The online home of Appleman1234 / Benjamin Southall

Hi Everyone,

I am not in an average or happy state like my previous posts. I am currently depressed with some stuff. I will get over it eventually but hey, that is life. I am that depressed, I begin to wonder about suicide and then realise my previous promise to myself and find the will power and resolve in the back of my mind. (It is the big golden box.)

I am very lucky to have this willpower and resolve, others without it have killed themselves or attempted to many times before. I have helped counsel some people out of suicide using it. As my birth was so miraculous (I survived a stroke / brain blood clot as 3 month premature baby. Doctors said I would be vegetable (no talk, no walk, no etc), and I proved them wrong.), this gives me another reason why I wouldn’t kill myself.

If I was supposed to die, I would have died then in hospital, when I had stopped breathing (numerous times). Some people produced some good stuff when they are pressured / struggling. I felt like reattempting to create stuff, so I am.

I am recording and mixing some music, making some artwork (eventually availiable on my gallery), continuting my explicit and dangerously offensive fanfic, writing some more poetry amongst other things. Made some ebuild mimetype icons for Gentoo and another Wesnoth map. (I will eventually publish my wesnoth maps)

I like the darkness and the cold. I wish QLD had snow and that I could be nocturnal. (instead of being harassed for going to bed at 1-3am). I am eager for gentoo (I want it installed and working before holidays end and preferably before lan party) and for Curtis’ lan party.

Maybe some mathematics would cheer me up, or maybe not. (MAB111 has damaged my enjoyment of mathematics, but it will recover in time) Music and poetry are wonderful tools in expressing self beauty, euphoria, depression and other emotions.

If you could have one special skill what would it be ? Mine would probably be intangibility. (The ability to become intangible and tangible at will

Best of luck from the darkness in my cave
Benjamin Southall aka Appleman1234

Hi everyone,
The time to relax is nice if I could get any, I am busy remembering at the things I need to do ;).
Amongst everything that has occured so far, in a brieft list of summary is shown below:

• Returned in a much more concise way to Place of Much Chocolate Gorging (now on known as PMCG), on Roman corner. However the journey was spoilt be having to put up with the constant replaying of tape recorded insults.
• Met with family friends at PMCG
• Watched as friends and family enjoyed chocolate buffet (Which I don’t eat, as I don’t have caffiene), I also ordered nothing :), went home.
• Went shopping with friends and family @ DFO, or more accurately watched as others shopped and got mad at lousy lunch (Subway. Tm) (Subway is normally enjoyable but the employees at this branch were in dodgy rush hour mode.) and at the fact I couldn’t be decent discount dictionaries (I mean $75 for a dictionary, gah) and that the Sony (Tm) store didn’t have headphones that could survive being slammed in car door. (the way my last headphone 2 pairs of died.)
• Had adequate return journey with more insults, but with a friend who is staying at my house for a few days.
• Felt like a fifth wheel giving happy birthday greetings is to a sibling (not the one with tape recorder) who is on a horse riding camp. (So many people looking at you funny.)
• Came home, had dinner and custard tart for dessert and had interesting and angsty conversations via IM

Okay that is brief summary version for those who complain my blog is too deep and long. (This is a one off and only done because I wanted to write a summary.)

Beauty, angst, stress and relationships

One thing I have experienced since exams finished is slight freedom. I have spent time admiring the beauty of things and life, both simple and quite complex. I have thought about euphoria and self inquisition and wondered why people are the way they are ?

I have suffered laughter and irritance in numerous levels of relationships and conversations. From outside view these would seem like simple things, but with each relationship and conversation topic my mind has a wealth of depth and hidden dominoes that rely on what is occurring.

Having a relationship of any kind is one of the most complex and difficult task a human being can undertake. It seems society today has forgotten this and calls people who don’t engage in having relationships anti-social amongst other things. Their are numerous things which today’s society has lost or forgotten the importance of, I am sure that each of you, will be able to name at least 3 things that society has forgotten in this mists of eternity.

I am really interested the studying this world in comparison with supposed utopias and dystopias, especially those presented in fiction. They make me wonder if I was in their world instead of this world would my life be better, would relationships be easier, could my questions be answered ?

I read an interesting analysis / comparsion of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World and George Orwell’s 1984 (I have read both books) which summarises the entire thing as BNW’s world being an dystopia due to the things we love (even though it is portrayed as uptoptic, it comes at a terrible price) and 1984 being a dystopia due to the things we hate.

The quote the article made is below:

Social Critic Neil Postman contrasts the worlds of 1984 and Brave New World in the foreword of his 1986 book Amusing Ourselves to Death thusly:

What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture, preoccupied with some equivalent of the feelies, the orgy porgy, and the centrifugal bumblepuppy. As Huxley remarked in Brave New World Revisited, the civil libertarians and rationalists who are ever on the alert to oppose tyranny “failed to take into account man’s almost infinite appetite for distractions.” In 1984, Huxley added, people are controlled by inflicting pain. In Brave New World, they are controlled by inflicting pleasure. In short, Orwell feared that what we hate will ruin us. Huxley feared that what we love will ruin us. (2006, Wikipedia.org http://en.wikipedia.org/Brave_new_world)

This lead me to examine our world, and wonder is what we hate and / or love ruining us or keeping us unspoiled ? Should we alter the balance of love / hate, should we change what we love and hate, does reality have the chance of becoming semi-utopic / semi-dystopic ? Is it ?

Imagery, Custard tart and what do you see ?

I mentioned early that I have setup gallery2 and the wordpress plugin. This is my test for that. I had custard tart for dessert tonight and whilst in didn’t look that nice it tasted beautiful (especially with vanilla ice cream.) Imagery is all around us, if we care to look, as is beauty, if we should only care ..?

Switching back to Gentoo is looking very tempting almost as tempting as custard tart.

This is a picture I made in GIMP (awesome stuff), I realease it under GNU GPL or the appriopriate Creative Commons License for images if GPL doesn’t suit the medium well enough.

Just did MAB112 exam , it was about the same experience as MAB111, if I pass I will be happy.
But now onto the holidays, I will recover and work throughout.I salute Curtis for his prolife post. And I continue to be astounded that Nick also has Knights & Merchants( good old game ported to Linux). I have lots of things to think about over the holidays and even more to do.

I have learnt that I must not get distracted if I have to keep my hacker work ethic (mixing play and work and making work play and play work) in order to achieve the results I deserve. I am going to continue my writing and composition of artistic things over the holidays. I am thinking of becoming a deviant @ deviantart.com but am not sure.

I have setup Gallery2 and Gallery Wordpress plugin and am attempting to manually install fortune-mod . I also intend to switch back from Suse to Gentoo with Nick, sometime during the holidays and to attend a massive LAN party (That Curtis is hosting) as a resident Linux guru and troublemaker.

I have also realised that importance of fluid learning and doing practice problems in order to cement required knowledege, ironically enough by not doing enough of this (not just in education, in life as well). This amongst some small other things is my Semester 2 resolution.(provided I make it)I need to get my hands on the 12th Lemony Snicket The Series of Unfortunate Events book, so I can read it (Just found and read The Grim grotto).

Learn from your mistakes, else what is the point in making them

Best of luck and wishes

Benjamin Southall aka Appleman1234 =)

Mathematics
I survied my first mathematics exam.

In hindsight I should have studied more. Besides not fully remembering the rigourous definition and proof of limits and running out of time and being confused by implicit differentiation syntax I didn’t do that bad, IMHO.

The MAB111 exam was also very stressful unlike the IT ones. I was annoyed going into the exam because I didn’t know the subject material fluid (only in bits and blocks) and as much as I like to only blame myself, I definitely sure there were other factors invovled.

Stuff that annoyed me: The formula sheet (7 pages) had all the formulae expected for the ones you where confused about or needed to clarify your memory of. The way the exam presented itself was confusing. etc. I knew how to do the maths and answer the questions. I just got stuck remembering stuff or got confusing by weird syntax.

Anyways, providing I pass which I should I am over it. Someone mentioned that such things as supplementary exams, but I am not sure I should go through this again.

One thing is for sure , this will probably not happen again. If in future I have an issue with a subject, I will not let it affect marks, I will instead implement a supplementary studying plan.

Definitely studying harder for 112 , once burned, twice shy.

Other Stuff

Lost my fan fic, and had to get it off a test reader. So now I have it again and when I continue writing I shall have to redo Hagrid. My fanfic is rated ZGestapo%qwerty and should only read by tolerant minds with a Good sense of humour. Some of the people that have read it hate / think it is gross etc , others to what the fanfic was designed to acheive: make them laugh their heads off.

Fixed my wesnoth map. =). Happy Birthday Cheater. Your present would have been reading my fic, last night, but you didn’t like that so I will have to find something else. (Maybe I can recruit Curtis in my quest to get fortune on the server so that, this site has fortune.) BTW I have semi-installed WP-quotes but can’t be bothered activating it or compiling all quotes from fortune.

Cake is nice, I am going to have some soon. Other interesting things include Curtis’ Crusade to overload efa servers, Cheater’s discussion on nuclear power (for more info check my blogroll) and finally Cheater’s birthday reminded me of my own,(its a long way off) but I need to plan for it.

I leave you with the questions, Was Macbeth crazy ? (I know the answer, but want to know what you think) Does anyone what a copy of my fanfic for beta reading ? Should my site have random fortunes ? Did you watch Alice in Wonderland ? (awesome movie) Who wants pistachio icecream for breakfast ?

Best of luck
Benjamin Southall aka Appleman1234 =)

*Now talking on #qut
Topic for #qut is: Education as usual, Breaking the student code of regulations will not be tolerated, Automatic redirects to appriopriate sub-channels- Website: http://www.qut.edu.au, etc

Appleman1234 has joined #qut
Appleman1234 has been redirected to #qut-greenroom
Cheater512 has joined #qut
Cheater512 has been redirected to #qut-greenroom
Bo has joined #qut
Bo has been redirected to #qut-greenroom
Phracture has joined #qut
Phracture has been redirected to #qut-greenroom

*Now talking on #qut-greenroom
Topic for #qut-greenroom is: Education as usual, Breaking the student code of regulations will not be tolerated, Please observe the new rules and signs due to the recent vandalism and spamming of this channel:Website: http://www.qut.edu.au, etc
Appleman1234: Hey everyone
Cheater512: Hi
Bo: Hey
Phracture: Wassup people
Appleman1234: Not much
Cheater512: Just finishing the map
Appleman1234: Studying for exams
Phracture: admin: Kick me, I dare you !
admin: Can’t kick Phracture, Phracture is enrolled.
Phracture: Come you can to better than that..
Phracture installs server in #qut-greenroom
Appleman1234: Nice
Cheater512 pulls out Gentoo CDs and winks
Appleman1234 giggles
Phracture: Don’t you fucking start with that shit!
admin: Phracture warning: Please don’t swear or shout
Phracture: Make me!!
admin: Desist, or your enrollment will be terminated and you will be kicked
Phracture: Like I care, it is not as if I want to be here
admin: Fine, processing proper paperwork
Appleman1234: Come on Phracture, stay here
admin: Phracture has been kicked from #qut-greenroom (”Too cool for #qut-greenroom”)
admin: Phracture has been kicked from #qut (”Too cool for #qut”)
Appleman1234: =(
Cheater512:
Bo: wtf ??
Bo: Why did he go ??
Appleman1234: He didn’t want to be here
Cheater512 looks at remaining server and Gentoo CDs and smiles
Cheater512: brb, getting jolt and mars bar
Cheater512: You should have some Apple
Appleman1234: No thanks
Appleman1234 laments the loss of Phracture
Appleman1234 buries himself in mathematics study to try to forget
Appleman1234: Grrr, He would have done so well =(
Cheater512: Rofl, Just won another free mars bar
Appleman1234: On the bright side at least no more Bald Knob jokes
Cheater512: Bald Knob, rofl
Appleman1234: Damn I spoke to soon
End

Notes:

Whilst being a realistic as possible, this is only a model of reality and poor one at that. It was purely created in the name of comedy. Damn this post was supposed short.
Best of luck to all,

especially Curtis Bayne, may you have success in any endeavour you undertake.

Benjamin Southall aka Appleman1234

Hey everyone,

My IT exams are finished, now with only mathematics exams to go. Meanwhile Cheater / Nick Stallman (a very good colleague / friend of mine, just wish the jokes weren’t all on me) is busy porting the IT Block from Reality to Counterstrike. (3d modelling / map making, etc)

Which brings us to Cartography and Broken glass :

Cartography is the study of maps and map making. (for those who don’t know) . Maps are geographical models of Reality. Why Cheater is making CS map of the Green Room is an interesting question. When I asked him, he said it was because he wanted to shoot me in the Green Room in Reality but couldn’t so CS was the next best thing. He also said that he’d settle for stabbing me.

I again asked him why and then offered my pocket-knife …, to which he then ensured me it was all in jest.

Which makes me think about how we perceive reality ? Do we use our perceptions to model reality, so that we can understand it.

Cartography, logic, mathematics and perception are all different models of reality. (Oops I mentioned mathematics too early oh well ;P)

If we make all these models of reality then we define what we see and do in Reality as being Realistic and yet sometimes from a different perception it isn’t. Reality is thus dependent on our perception of it.

The topic of dialogue, after him decimating me (exaggeration) in CS on PoolParty, (The ratio was about (me)1: 1.7(him))(more brackets for those who hate Scheme ;P, Sorry to those who do but I am not making many assumptions regarding the readers of this blog), then became how to manage the breaking of the glass from some of the Green room windows in his map.

I told him to make it linked separate entities but he admentaly stated that there was no programming language behind Valve Hammer editor (TM Valve as is CS) and to do it that way would be a dirty hack, I then asked / pointed out about the elevators. =p Whilst we are on the subject of broken glass, another Uni’s colleague Windows is busted by spyware and virii today.

I tried to help him, but he went offline. Myself, a devoted Linux (TM , Linus Torvalds) user, believe the all Windows problems can be fixed by switching =) or at least by hardware format. (intertextual ITB004 reference ANSI-SPARC criteria for logical data independence isn’t met by Windows, as the easiest way to fix a logical data corruption is to do so at hardware / physical level).

(Any mention of Windows is TM Microsoft aka Microshaft aka Mirco^%*@ and Windows of Microsoft software are in no way endorsed or recommended if you in any way value the goodness of your computing experience or the stability of your operating system .)

Onwards to Dead Butterfiles, Solitary mathematics and eternal yearning ,

Dead butterfiles.., It is said that the oils on our skin, stop butteflies from flying, thus no flight = no food / pollen = death in maximum 3 days. (edited from death upon contact, as Cheater pointed out the flaw. ;))

ASIDE (This subject and blog post has many metaphors and multiple / hidden meanings, I have tried to make a fair few obvious for cohesion, (my blog , cohesive, semi-oxymoron), but the rest are like Wally (Waldo sounds bad, intertextual reference to blogs on my blogrolls anti-america posts.), (bracket haters scream now ;P)), Oddlaw, and Wanda, you have look hard to find them)

Dead butterflies are like things that we wish to do but can never successfully attain. (Like Nick’s humourous desire to shoot me in Green Room), hence the eternal yearning in title. Many Windows users have issues, that they complain about or put up with but fixing them is like a dead butterfly.

Numerous others play the lottery / other gambling or have romantic relationships which the result is a dead butterfly. Like the stuff we go to buy in the shops, that is never there or always out of price range or stock.

So there are numerous things we eternally yearn for that are dead butterflies and most of us don’t realise this till too late.

Also on eternal yearning, goto Google (Tm Google) image search and look for interesting adjectives / nouns. (ie redemption, agony, euphoria etc). The results will either shock or intrigue you.

And finally onto the Cool stuff Mathematics and Death :

This weekend I will be studying for my maths exams amongst other things. BTW I wonder if one could use probability to accurately predict the chance of a desire being a dead butterfly. Maybe I have found a use for my linking circular logic structures after all.

But I should probably focus on stuff that will be on Exam.

Ok Death, Death is Death and the concluding question and notes are:

Paraphasing a well known quote, It is better to have a dead butterfly than no butterfly at all ? (Or is it)

And another one: You can chase a butterfly all day, but there is no point in catching one.

Counterquote: Yes there is, if you wear gloves.

Is death better than live with numerous / or infinite dead butterflies ?

I would love to know what you think.

All the best

Benjamin Southall aka Appleman1234 =)

Journey or Destination ??
Hey everyone,

In such busy times (busy for me anyways), I begin to wonder, do we notice ourselves getting caught up in the destination rather than the journey or the journey rather than the destination. I finished my Scheme (Awesome programming language, LISP derivative and annoyer of my colleagues) exam on Saturday and then proceeded to make my way to an appointment on Roma and Ann St (The street names don’t really matter).

After about 30 to 45 minutes of walking I finally got where I was going to, only then to realise that the journey made with some colleagues / friends (if they are not friends yet they will be, as they will probably put up with for another 2.5 years minimum ;p) was the most haphazard way of getting to my destination. What could have been 15 minutes had became 45.

Why my friends continued to follow me? I have no clue.
Why I went the way I did ? Well it was because I made an incorrect assumption and looked for a street corner in the wrong direction.

If this post was a simple as that, I would have posted it much earlier, however it and other events up until now got me thinking.

What is more important ..? the journey or the destination ..?

In 3.5 years time, when I get my degrees in hand, will I then relish that moment or the 4 years of work, fun and the experiences I am going to share ?

We started a puzzle (2000 pieces) at home a few nights ago, what will be more satisfying, the finished puzzle or the time spent to make it ?

Would you rather fly in first class and backpack round the world or fly in economy and five star / ritz everything ?

In my case, I think that I will enjoy the journey more then the destination, just like I will enjoy my life rather then my death.

In Plugin News (pun on, and also, Other News ;P)

I have been searching for and installing / configuring wordpress and amsn plugins. I am looking for a random fortune or bash.org quote plugin. But all the ones I find are dead linked when download url is given.

Whilst searching I found a website http://freebsdgirl.com (Ray or Curtis please check it out…) and lots of weird and wonderful plugins and themes, but not the ones I was looking for.

I have got stop or start having decent religious discussions, not really sure which or why ?

In conclusion and in regards to the journey, I end this post with a quote:

I’m a pilgrim on the edge, on the edge of my perception. We are travellers at the edge, we are always at the edge of our perceptions.

Scott Mutter

Best wishes to all

Benjamin Southall aka Appleman1234 =)

Questions, Life and difference
I am fond of asking questions, as most of those who know me or know of me know. I always will be.

(No,no,no …. that isn’t a first sentence, it is a hidden pun ;P) (NB: ;P the winking tongue out is one of my favourite custom emotions).

Everyone is searching for something, I search for knowledge amongst other things….

That is the simple reason why I ask so many questions.

People are always talking about Life, how wonderful it is, how messed up it is, how things reek of irony and deja vu.

I have been known and classified as many things. However one of the things I am sure of, is that Life and everyone who lives in it can’t be classified or judged into the shoes that fit them. (boxes, categories, favourite kebab flavours, etc)

And yet we as humans can’t stop classifying and judging stuff. We supposedly can’t handle the term infinity.

Those who question and analyse are often labelled as being judgemental and critical.

I can say that too most people I am the in unusual box, the random box, the weird box, the crazy box, the unknown box and maybe if I am lucky the infinity box.

Yes I am different, different shoes and boxes fit me, as they do all of us. You see it’s the constant difference that makes us so similar.

If we were all clones, what would Life be ? is a commonly asked question which always sparks discussion and talking.

The difference between entities is a part of their relationship.

Everything is different. Everything is linked.

So let us not criticise difference but rejoice in it, for it is what makes us us, life life and everything everything.

Life creates thoughts. Thoughts create opinions. Opinions influence actions. Actions affect Life.

People search for answers to the big questions, I know I do, whilst your searching don’t put your life on hold. Instead Live it because you could spend your entire life searching for those answers and not find them till you live…

A Gorean (Gor / Counterearth , interesting place, I could put more in this bracket, but won’t) quote :

Do not ask the stones or the trees how to live; they cannot tell you; they do not have tongues; do not ask the wise man how to live, for, if he knows, he will know he cannot tell you; if you would learn how to live, do not ask the question; its answer is not in the question but in the answer, which is not in words; do not ask how to live, but, instead, proceed to do so.”

By the way, I kind of started customing the blog theme…, opinions welcome but not necesary

Keep living …..

Best wishes from Benjamin Southall / Appleman1234 =)

PB (Post Blog): I just remembered a song that symbolises this theme quite well is Bon Jovi’s Welcome to where ever you are

Greeting:

Hello everyone or at least everyone reading.

Stating the obvious, this is my website and my blog which is powered by Wordpress.

List of thanks:

Wordpress

Nick Stallman (nickstallman.net)

Curtis Bayne (curt.phracture.com)

Anyone else on my msn contact list with a stupid / lame myspace blog.

Me

UberTweak Camp (Exposure to wiki, realising that I had a need for a blog)

etc, etc, etc, pat yourselves on the back, your not dead yet and you have made my life better I hope.

The stuff that is supposed to be interesting but probably won’t be as it is almost midnight and I need to sleep:

I was supposed to make this first post special, but I am tired so I will summarise it.

If you want to fix the world, go ahead, well infact here is fifty dollars and my blessing.

However If you want to try to fix something that isn’t broken or say your going to fix something and you don’t , then why should I bother wasting my time (which many people inform has value) and my money in donation to a flawed, deceptive or pointless cause.

Eg Buy a candle with you name on it to stop toture ?

I told the charity worker that stopping toture is stopping ectasy, and that they might as well be selling candles to stop Life. As without good there is no bad and vice versa.

I was then interrogated as to why I had this opinion and whether I’d tolerate being locked up and totured.

I quickly walked away, late and irritated (an almost typical state for me) and thought about what had transpired.

I began to wonder, If I bought a candle why would it need to have my name on it ?

(Does all humanity only help others due to the recognition they receive or for that endomorphic fuzzy feeling that we all get when we do good.)

What good does candles spelling out “STOP TOTURE” actually do in stopping the toture ?

(Nothing, all it might do is raise the awareness of the toture.) (Like a doctor pulling out an instrument to tell you what your sick with, but not giving you the medicine to cure you)

If we were to actively “STOP TOTURE”, wouldn’t we need to toture the toturers ??

(Yay, its a moral paradox, eg In order to stop the murderers, we need to murder them.)

25 cents for one candle wholesale, 4 dollars donation, where does all the extra money go ??

(Probably into someone’s pocket, volunteers getting paid, well then they aren’t volunteering)

And finally why did the thought of telling the charity worker to be quiet , as a method of stopping toture only occur to me when I was at least a kilometre away ?

There are many questions / morals to this post, but the main ones are
People want what they don’t have, and the more you push something on someone this more they will fight against it.

Donations / Religious beliefs / Tips / |Insert relevant plural noun here| are obligatory, the moment they are forced on someone, they become a torture on those who thought they were obligatory

Best of luck to all

Benjamin Southall / Appleman1234 =)