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Iteration and recursion, if at first you don’t succeed, if at first….

Posted on by Benjamin Southall


Got my results back earlier than expected. Got deja vu as well, degree is going to be delayed by at least year. Got lost in the darkness of suburbian, well not lost, just took the largest figure of eight of my life to date, but that kind of makes sense considering the circumstances.

I would say I don’t know anymore, but that would imply that I knew anymore to begin with …., and that would be more than a misnomer. Why my past haunts me like an apparition I don’t know.

All the movies I see, I can’t recall whether I have seen them before in past or in my dreams, it seems academic isn’t about knowledge and understanding rather what one can demonstrate on a form of assessment, and it seems that my conditioned response to this is the mathematically stutter like skat, except out of tune.

The apathy is almost returning from the fits of boredom and escapism never worked but I don’t stop trying. I wonder why everything that is set, is set in jelly. Custard creams may taste nice, but looking at one’s waste in hindsight is nothing short of paralysis.

Freedom taken, dreams taken, memories taken, innocence taken, but what is given ?

I am not sure, and am really questioning things at the moment. Any momentum I once had seems to be a memory, 3 steps forward, 1 step back. Where have the dead butterflies landed ? Where has the fun gone ? Where is the passion ? What am I seeking ? And the sound I hear is the sound of the wind, as it runs through the town, twist and spin , twist and spin.

Resistance maybe measured in ohms, but repetition leads to boredom, boredom leads to apathy and apathy brings back its own significant challenges. Mechanic diagnostics lead to the ddos of the machine, I seem to adopted as my child. As much as I want to play games or even talk, I am not allowed to. I give some empathy to those who feel this helpless with real loved ones rathered than an antropomorphised network attached storage device.

Both potential and happiness elude at present and metaprogression might be the way forward.

Why aren’t systems optimal ? Why isn’t life optimal ?

I seek, but shall I find …

Benjamin Southall aka Appleman1234 πŸ™‚

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